dot2dotmath.com

I found the following joke on jokes.com.  It is quite funny, quite true, but I would say to have your health, especially your mental health, evaluated by a doctor before starting any new diet plan.

The Miracle Toddler Diet – Guaranteed Results

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don’t get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don’t get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there’s the new Toddler Miracle Diet.
Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!

DAY ONE:

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.

Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.

Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO:

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.

Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half tube of “Pulsating Pink” lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.

Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE:

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.

After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.

Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY:

Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

Photo by a la corey

I am currently reading Raising Boys by Stephen Biddulph and one if his mantras is that boys learn how to communicate with girls by watching the relationship between his mother and father.  In my attempt to help boys learn to communicate with girls, I am providing this list of common words that women use and the meaning behind them.  I wish I could say that this is my original work, however it is another one of those worthwhile forwards that have been circulating around the Internet.  Enjoy, learn, and pass the information on to every boy who finds girls a bit confusing.

Fine

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes

If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing

This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

Go Ahead

This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

Loud Sigh

This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

That’s Okay

This is one of the most dangerous statements a women ca n make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks

A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ . that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

Whatever

Is a woman’s way of saying F– YOU!

Don’t worry about it, I got it

Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

Click this photo to learn how to make this green volcano

The following post was one of those forwards that went around a few years ago but I wanted to put it up here because it is funny and scary at the same time.  Enjoy.

———————–

a) For those with no children – this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, there is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas…
Things I’ve learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house
   4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them
   with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults
   in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
   enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a
   Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can,
   to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
   When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few
   times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball
   hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”,
   it’s already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though
   a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
    can’t walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR’s do not eject “PB & J” sandwiches even though TV
    commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on;
    plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
    earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox
    and brake fluid.
25. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends,
    with or without kids.